New Low

This is possibly the saddest book ever.

Foodora... or Something.

I had an idea today while eating lunch.

People love gambling and the unknown. This is evidenced by the high percentage of my law school classmates who flew to Vegas for spring break. People also love food. As is evidenced by the delicious number of obese people in America.

This led me to an idea. I want to pitch a restaurant based on chance. The menu would operate a little like Pandora. The customer would enter information regarding their favorite food or what they felt like eating at the moment. The computer program would then provide a few new options based on choices from the seasonal menu, along with possible drink and dessert combinations.

This set up would give the customer a degree of control, but also allow the chance to broaden their culinary palette. This would be a great option for husbands and boyfriends who are tired of hearing their partner complain about how they "never do anything new."

I'll need Alban and Abigail to write the code for the program. Phil and Jax will run the kitchen. Tommy will be in charge of waitstaff and booking guests for the small stage. Cody will drum up investment capital.

I'm still not sure what to call it.

Jaguar

Never, ever, ever, ever say it like that again, you ignorant gringo. Seriously. Jaguars take great pride in their heritage. As such, you must always pronounce Jaguar, Hhhaaaguarrrrrrr. Lots of h. Lots of r. It feels good, doesn't it? Just let that r keep rolling.

Jaguars require the most respect of the wild cats. They have ancient souls. In fact, according to some Mayan legends, it is Yaguar Sol who rises each day in the east and prowls across the sky to the west. And I think you know how to verify that one: east to west, 24 hours, spring equinox, un templo del sol erótico, and BAM! 365: believe it or not.

Jaguars are passionate. They do not mess around with things - they are passionate about them. For example, Jaguars do not take food lightly. Unlike other cats, they do not eat their meat raw. Instead, they eat it seasoned and medium-rare. This might be a concern for future owners, as it requires more time to prepare each meal, but it might also be a benefit. Jaguars are surprisingly giving and have been known to enjoy sharing their meals with others.

One important quality that distinguishes the Jaguar from most other cats is its love for swimming. In fact, as you may have already guessed, Jaguars are passionate about swimming. They really get into it. If you and your young Jaguar decide to go swimming around Caimans, however, make sure you have a talk first to avoid a nasty surprise.

The Tickle Closet thinks the Jaguar is an ideal pet for recently broken-up singles who need a little passion back in their lives. Especially bilingual singles who enjoy swimming.

Tiger

Because tigers are the largest of the "great cats" and because they have a long history of being persecuted, it is important to cultivate trust between you and your tiger when first introduced. Once your trustworthiness is acknowledged, tigers tend to be the most playful of cats (think Tony the Tiger). They love to splash in rain puddles and chase squirrels through the park. However, be careful when walking your Tiger without a leash. Despite their excellent eyesight, tigers often mistake cocker spaniels and other small dogs for squirrels (unfortunately cocker spaniels are significantly slower runners than the average park squirrel).

Tigers can grow to a weight of 660 pounds. So, they should be trained at a young age to not "jump up." Though tigers love to play and wrestle, they can easily get carried away during play time. Tiger owners must commit to consistently enforcing the rules of the household and shouldn't hesitate to use time-outs as punishment. Many tigers have developed "adolescent insolence" as a result of being sheltered from consequences.

Tigers are excessively territorial and routinely mark their territory by spraying urine and anal gland secretions. It is best to respect your Tiger's territory so as not to provoke additional markings on the carpet.

Because tiger stripes create a distinctly frightening pattern when blended with shadows and leafy undergrowth, tigers have often be misunderstood as having darker natures than they really do. Consequently, they often identify with the villain in movies, especially Scar.

Tiger fur, a favorite of long-time owners, is excellent for cuddling around the fireplace. An added bonus is that it is fully machine washable–wash cold with like colors, tumble-dry low (think Hobbes).

An estimated 12,000 tigers (more than the wild population) are kept as domestic pets in the U.S. alone. This popularity provides new owners with a well-established support network.

The Tickle Closet thinks tigers are perfect for active couples who have strong bones and want to cuddle, but aren't afraid to discipline their cat.

Lion

Lions are Apex predators. This means that they are the top of the food chain. The best at what they do. Like Alban hunting freshman, they almost always take down what they set their eye on.

Lions are untenable outside of large game reserves or giant areas of largely uninhabited land. Such as Africa. So, unless you have a backyard capable of supporting a large herd of water-buffalo, you may want to think twice about adopting a lion. However, a baby lion fed a steady diet of nicotine will remain tiny, cute and manageable. Think Simba, pre-Hakuna Matata interlude.

Male lions live 10-14 years in the wild. This relatively short life span is due in large part to wounds sustained fighting other lions for food, women and access to health care.

Lions are natural lovers. Their name, similar in many of the "Romance Languages," is derived from the Latin name, Leo, and the Hebrew name, Lavi, which are widely recognized as the sexiest names by etymologists, whose own mating rituals are not fully understood. Lions, like most humans, are blessed with sexual dimorphism. This means that there are obvious distinctions between males and females. This makes hunting at night more enjoyable for everyone.

The Tickle Closet thinks the Lion is an ideal pet for well established, middle-aged couples, looking for a challenging project. However, we advise against using it to try an legitimize your grandchild's bland, jungled-themed birthday party.

Cougar

Cougars are solitary cats. Besides a mother and her cubs, cougars travel alone. They are a secretive species, only seen in the wild when they want to be seen. An animal owner who enjoys spending lots of time with their pet, may not be best suited with a cougar. Also, prospective owners should be sure to know their sleeping habits because cougars are crepuscular.

The best science available suggests that cougars are more closely related to small cats than big. Which means they have the attitude of a kitty in a frame of a full size feline. And although they’re big, they are by no means bulky. Cougars are slender and agile, prime for apartments or townhouses.

One thing that sets cougars apart from the rest of the big cats is their roar. They don’t have one. Cougars hiss, growl, purr, chirp and whistle, but they can’t let it rip like Mufasa. Legend has it that they mimic the sound of a women in distress in order to lure in curious minors.

The cougar is notoriously crafty among the hunting community. Many seasoned woodsman have entered the wilderness to pursue cougar and have found that they themselves are the one being pursued. Most cougar experts agree that the best way to approach a cougar in the wild is to stand tall, look it in the eye, and talk softly. Supposedly, if you can recite lyrics from Jon Bon Jovi rock ballads ... even better.

The Tickle Closet thinks the cougar would make an excellent house cat for young singles who prefer a good deal of autonomy and are most active around dawn and dusk.

Wild Cat

The Tickle Closet is beginning a new post series entitled Wild Cat. The purpose of this series is to ponder the question: “Which wild cat makes the best house pet?” Over the next few weeks we will take a collective peek at the advantages and disadvantages of each of the large cats — cougar, jaguar, cheetah, lion, tiger, leopard — as well as the medium cats — featuring the bobcat and lynx — and finally the small cats — featuring the scottish wild cat.

At the end, whichever cat gets the most votes will be given the “Tickle Closet Best Wild Cat House Cat Award.”

Two important rules to keep in mind during this discussion. First, cats are obligate carnivores. Second, you can take the cat out of the wild ... but you can’t do it legally, unless you have a permit, which is hard to come by I imagine.

Expect the first cat in the next few days...

Supplemental Jurisdiction

This is a pretty typical representation of law school.

Also, it's probably poor form to shoot pictures from the front row with your iphone.

Don't Let the Bastard Grind You Down!

This is professor Dworkin. He teaches torts. He is not the bastard.

His class has taught me many lessons about law, life and love. Maybe not love... but i needed a third L word.

All of these lessons are from Cobbs v. Grant.

1. Procedure is everything.
In law, like in life, you can say the right thing at the wrong time and mess everything up.
2. Look out for formulaic standards, they are usually worthless.
3. There is a difference between a fact and a reason.
4. Question the ability of a concept to achieve its stated goals.
5. Words are nothing but bundles of consequences. Choose them carefully.
6. Always question authority.
7. Don't let the bastard grind you down.

The last one is my favorite because it encompasses all the others. It reinforces how absolutely essential it is to be your own person and never lose sight of what you're after. Sometimes you need to give the finger to a cop. Or maybe just blow off your homework. Boom!